Coaching Corner: Who Is To Blame???
By Master Coach Marilou Butcher Roth
Yes, this is a trick question! The answer to this question is: no one. Today I want to address the concept of taking healthy responsibility, and how this is misinterpreted by many. For the vast majority, when something goes amiss, one of the first questions, either spoken out loud or silently is, “Whose fault is it?” The following questions come directly from the work of The Conscious Leadership Group. Take a minute and look through these:
• Who did it?
• Why did it happen?
• What is the root cause?
• Who participated in the chain of events that led to this?
• Who dropped the ball?
• Who is going to fix it?
These are all seemingly normal questions to be asking when problems have presented themselves. Does this line of questioning prompt forward movement? Typically, the answer is no. When we swim around in the above questions, we often find someone (or many someones) who shares our woe, and it can become even more challenging to move forward to a solution.
Let’s try on some other questions, again from The Conscious Leadership Group:
• What do I really want?
• If there were no obstacles, what would I be doing with my creative energy?
• Am I willing to learn whatever it is I need to learn about this situation?
• Am I willing to see all others involved as my allies?
• Am I willing to see myself as empowered in this situation?
• How can I play with this situation?
• Where and when do I feel most alive?
• What am I distracting myself from doing or knowing?
I can hear the groans from here. This is an entirely different way to view things, isn’t it? What is left if we cannot blame someone (or ourselves)? When you focus on what you truly want, you create a shift that will lead you to a solution. When you are stuck in the blame game, locating your creative energy is challenging. So, you reconnect with your creativity? Creative energy is the source that will see you through all obstacles. Creative thinking is how we problem solve, adjust, see things through a new lens, and come up with ideas and solutions. From CEOs to thought-leaders; innovators, artists, parents, and beyond… creative energy equals forward movement and solutions.
What about the concept of learning? This can often be a hard pill to swallow, and yet, realize there is an opportunity to learn something about yourself with every experience, regardless of the direction it has come. Every moment, good and especially, ‘not-so-good ’is an opportunity for learning, and learning equals growth.
And…seeing others as your allies? Eek! This has always been a challenging one for me, and one that I consistently give my attention to. Regardless of who or how, anyone that can generate learning for you can be considered your ally. Try not to push too hard against this one;be open to the possibility of how this concept might be of benefit to you. It is a beautiful moment when you can look back on a situation, realize what you learned from it or them, and say, “thank you.”
What would happen if you shifted your attention to activities that generated a feeling of aliveness within you? Asking yourself honestly if there is something you are distracting yourself from doing or knowing can be so freeing, albeit not always at the surface. When you identify your own self-sabotaging actions, such as avoidance and distraction, it can bring you to a place of uncomfortable vulnerability. Distracting yourself is temporary… eventually you will have to face what it is you’re avoiding. Why not take control of this fact and face it head on with compassion, maybe a bit of humor, and determination to gain traction instead?
My invitation for you is to keep these questions accessible so that you have them when situations present themselves. Chances are, you may
not agree with some (or all) of the second group of questions. Keep them anyway. You may find that over time, they begin to make sense, and will create more ease around uncomfortable situations.
